I'm here. I'm struggling, but I'm hopeful. Nate and I had a long talk the other night that I was thankful took place. I am blessed to be married to a man that supports me and loves me, even if he doesn't understand me all the time. For that matter, I don't understand myself all the time. I believe I am pretty much over my kidney infection, a week of antibiotics done and no more fever and not much pain. I still feel just drained and tired, but I am thankful to be better.

Ian's birthday is in a couple of weeks, and he has decided that he wants to have a Dinosaur Party! I don't feel up to the task, but I am excited to make this birthday special for him. I already have some ideas for games and food and a cake. We will listen to the CD and read "Skippy Jon Jones and the Big Bones" and have a "fossil hunt" in the sand box, and some sort of scavenger hunt. I hope I can make it fun for him. He's really excited.

My mom might come to visit in July and we would go down to see Dave and Audra in Florida. I really hope this works out. Nate even said fine without even figuring out exactly how much it would all cost.

I will write more another time. Running out of steam......need coffee........ :P

I was just going to start blogging last night when Nate got home at about 10. It was strange to see him come in the door not in his collared work shirt and khaki pants, but in a dirty t-shirt and clay encrusted jeans and work boots. I said, with my tongue in my cheek, "Who are you? My husband is a *manager*, surely he doesn't do work that gets him this dirty!" We both laughed, because we know that even though technically his job title is "Retail Manager", overseeing the running of the five stores, (as well as being the purchasing, inventory and warehouse manager, marketing and advertising man, IT and phone repair man, complaints department, angry customer pacifier and problem solver extraordinaire, accounting and payables supervisor, above-ground pool seller and construction coordinator, and hot tub salesman and delivery man), a lot of his time is spent doing work that he knows other people either don't have time to do, or they don't have official sanction to work as many hours as he does. That's why he was pouring concrete at 6 yesterday morning and fixing a pool filter at 9 last night, and inbetween those doing a bunch of other things that left him dirty, sunburned and exhausted. Sounds like no fun, but I actually thinks he enjoys those types of days more than when he is filling his more traditional roles. Last week he spent half a day organizing and cleaning a warehouse at one of the stores. The store manager said "You shouldn't be doing this type of work- you're the boss!" (Basically this person was just annoyed with him for "messing up" their system, which consisted of half open boxes every two feet all over the floor) Nate assured the manager that a lot of the work he did wasn't technically in his job description, but it had to be done, and he could do it. And while he didn't need his degrees in Accounting or Business Management to break down boxes and sweep a dirty floor, sometimes that's the best use of his talents for that time. The guy who was helping Nate was very amused by the fact that the vertically challenged complaining store manager insisted that no one would be able to reach the products if Nate put them up on the warehouse shelves where they belonged, since they had no ladder.....and lo and behold, after cleaning up the dirty mess of boxes in one corner of the warehouse, Nate found the ladder.

Even though there are times, (okay, many times) when I fight feelings of resentment over Nate's dedication to his job, I really am proud of him for the humble servant leadership he displays. He never angrily berates his employees or store managers (even though there are times when I so would have), he never just puts off on someone else what he could reasonably do himself, he listens to their venting, complaining, and just talking, and tries to encourage them and help them if he can. He goes the extra mile (or 10) to insure that the customers he deals with are taken care of, fufilling the verse that says "As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men". Other verses come to mind as well, such as "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." and "Whatever you do, do it unto the Lord and not unto men." and "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus...but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant..." There have been times when employees have maligned him and overtly counterminded his directions, and the owner took their side, and still Nate fulfilled this verse "Do all things without complaining and arguing." After venting his very understandable frustration to me, a few days later in tears told me that he had been really convicted and the Lord really spoke to him with this verse "Love your enemies, bless them who curse you, do good to them who hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." After telling his employer the facts of the situation, he never said an ill word to anyone in the company about the person who had "despitefully used" him. I think the whole situation made me angry and have evil thoughts on his behalf way more than it did him. He is genuinly surprised every year when the employees get together and give him a gift and card. (Of course, I think everyone in the company should pledge him their undie-ing servitude for life, but that's just me) I am so proud to be married to this man who has spent his last 8 years being such a good example of these Biblical commands in his workplace. The time and attention he has given, the hours sacrificed, the thought and effort and love he has poured into the company has earned him money, and in some cases respect and appreciation, but only God has seen the extent of his devotion, and I pray God rewards him for that. I wish I could take back all the times I was less than rewarding after just missing him so much from him being gone.

I remember when I first realized that I loved this man, it was a morning in early November, over a decade ago. I was reading my Bible before meeting Nate for breakfast before our first period classes. I found my mind wandering to our time together the evening before, just hanging out and laughing as friends. All of a sudden I just felt this calm, reasoned realization wash over me, as if I opened my eyes and realized I was standing in the midst of a still lake. It was not a head over heels, "I have to be with this person or I will just die" kind of feeling, or a physical desire for him. It was just the quiet realization that I wanted the absolute best for him and that I would do anything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure of that, even if it meant we were not together. It was not in any way the kind of "love" I had ever experienced or felt, or even imagined. I just knew, for certain that I wanted to help him and bless him and love him in this way as much as I could, and it really didn't have anything to do with whether or not he loved me at all. Looking back on this now, I know this was from the Lord, and that the power to love Nate truly in this way can only come from the Lord. There have not been many times when I have been able to live up to this, but I know my highest and best times of being a blessing to my husband have been motivated by and strengthened with the love that can only come from the Lord. Ironically enough, this love that I so rarely attain, and yet strive for is what I am named. The love that comes only from the Lord, the love that He loves all of us with, is agape, or charity. Read I Corinthians 13 in the KJV- that's what I am named for.

And what does all of this "love talk" have to do with how proud I am of my husband? Well, as I said before, there have been times when I have resented his devotion to his job and felt like he loved his work more than he loved me. Let's be honest, there have been times when I have complained to anyone who would listen about poor beleagured me, stuck home alone, basically single parenting little kids, being ignored, unloved, unappreciated, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, Nate's God-ordained devotion to the job God provided for him has been one of the biggest things the Lord has used to teach me about true love and devotion, both mine, and my husbands', and the Lords'. What I have learned about my own love is that it is too often shallow, self-centered, and brittle. (see rant above) But, the Lord has been teaching me, oh so patiently, through these years, to let go a little bit more and to get a little closer to that first vision of love that the Lord gave me that November morning. To go through I Cor. 13 with this in mind, If I am truly Biblically loving my husband, than I will be patient when I am sitting lonely in my house full of sleeping children at night, I will be kind when he comes in the door too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. I will not be jealous when I hear of his giving and helping and laughing with his employees. I will not put myself forward or arrogently argue that he should be home helping me, loving me, etc. I will not throw a grown-up temper tantrum when he has to be gone even on a Sunday to do a homeshow. I will not be provoked to sin by feeling slighted or unappreciated. I will not keep a record of past offenses, or assume that he's just having a grand time at work and doesn't really want to be home. I will not rejoice at the unrighteousness of the thought of cursing out anyone who does not appreciate the sacrifice of MY husband's time away from me, and I will rejoice in the truth that Nate should be working as hard as he does in order to Biblically and responsibly fulfill all that the Lord (not his employer) has given him to do at this time in our lives. I will bear all things, even not having an hour of "me-time" away from my kids in months. I will believe all things, even when the jealous wife inside me wants to assign some evil motive to my husband's actions. I will hope all things, even that the Lord will someday change the circumstances and fulfill the vision He gave Nate over a year ago of the boundary between work and home being a doorway, and not being 93 hours away from home in a 6 day workweek. I will endure all things, even uncertainty about the future and waiting on the Lord to fulfill His promises, as He always does. I know that I can do all these things, because this kind of love never fails- it is not in me, it is only from the Lord. I can't do any of this, I don't want to do any of this, if I am relying solely on my heart to generate the power for this, but I don't have to.

What I have learned about the Lord's love in this time is that it is He, not my husband, Who has the power to fulfill all the emotional needs He created me with. It is God, not Nate, Who should have all my cares cast upon Him, because He cares for me. I have learned that it is only a loving God Who will lead me through a valley of loneliness to realize that He really is the One I have been lonely for. How would I have realized the depth of my need for the Lord if I had my husband around always to partially quench that need? Now, I am certainly not saying that for a person to truly understand the love of the Lord, they need to be deprived of the love of others. Not at all. All I'm saying is that my heart could more readily learn this lesson in this circumstance that the Lord specifically gave me, knowing as He does, my heart. Unfortunately, I am just not one of those people who learn something once and never forget it. My mind wanders, I forget, I take my eyes off the One Who sustains me, and then wonder why I am not being sustained. (See previous post for proof of my foolish, wandering heart.) So, it is affirming to write what the Lord has done, how His mercies, new every morning, are what really give me joy and life, and enable me to do what the Lord has called me to do, which includes being joyfully proud of the man He has called me to love, and so thankful for the path He has called me to walk.

I'm.....I really don't know. Many words come to mind, but not many of them are pleasant, so should I really be dwelling on them? Probably not. Maybe I should just stick to the facts, and leave how I'm feeling well out of it all. How about bullets? That way I don't have to think of cohesive paragraph structure! :)

• The Lord is really working on me in the area of balance. I tend to go too "gung ho" into things and then end up exhausted and failing, or I assume that only doing a little of something just isn't good enough so why do it at all? This is not healthy thinking and I am striving to change it, in many areas.
• My grandmother's 80th birthday is coming up. I so wish I could go to the party they have planned for her.
• Nathan clocked 85 hours this week. Of course, this doesn't count his 45 minute commute either side of that every day. Our interactions are very short, and I have a hard time even knowing what to say to him. Mostly I am trying just to let him talk for the few minutes awake he is home and be supportive.
• Technically we have 6 days of school left to fulfill the state's requirements. I am going to give George a break from English workbooks for awhile when he finishes the ones he is on, but we will keep doing math and other things through the summer.
• Right now we are reading Stories of the Pilgrims, The second Boxcar Children book, and George and I still have a few chapters left to Swiss Family Robinson. We gave that a break for a few weeks while reading some other things.
• On my own, I am reading some Maeve Binchy brain cake novels, and just finished a "midquel" to a series I read for the first time about 20 years ago. The author of this series seemed so bright and clever and absorbing when first I read him, but as I have gotten older he now seems pedantic and predictible. I am so familiar with his reading style I can read him faster than other books. For some reason, I feel compelled to read everything he writes, even thought half the time I am rolling my eyes at him.
• Someone knocked my mailbox clean off into the ditch yesterday. I had a really hard time not just kicking it the rest of the way to pieces when I saw it yesterday afternoon. It seemed like a good vent of my frustration, but I did hold it in. I'm just glad the person responsible for it wasn't there when I discovered it.
• I am really working on trying to more encouraging with the kids, especially George. If I am not REALLY paying attention to it, then I end up correcting him way more than I am praising his good behavior, which really, is most of the time. I need to really get my positive comments to outweigh the negative.
• I watched a John Wayne western last night in which John Wayne actually dies!!!! This is, of course, against the natural order of the universe, and just upset me more than it should have. Of course, I do realize that he is actually dead, (and I have it on a good source, in Heaven!) but I just prefer my mental image of the Duke riding safely into the sunset in a cloud of dust.
• And I was reminded again how freakishly similar John Wayne's voice is to that of Eeyore.
• I think every major muscle group in my body is sore right now, despite a long soak in my hot tub last night. I am happy this is so, for it means I am exercising regularly again. I am trying to include this in my quest for moderation, and not go so overboard that I burn myself out.
• I miss my mother. I wish she lived just around the corner and we could visit a few times a week. Just sit down and have a cup of coffee together.
• I am praying, looking, waiting, hoping and praying some more for a new job for Nathan. I'm glad the Lord has that all figured out.
• I have been looking and looking for some casual summer dresses. Of course, this is not in any way a need, just a rather fervent want that would be convenient and really nice. After months of searching at every thrift and consignment and even (gasp!) real store, I have concluded that perhaps they just do not exist. I sure have had no luck in finding any.
• I am thrilled to say that my oldest son is now a complete expert on making a half a pot of brewed coffee and putting just the right amount of sinful flavored creamer in and bringing it to me. That right there is worth 10,000 negative comments being never uttered. Truly, he is such a special boy. I am proud of him, and even more important, I think he is proud of himself. He's such a blessing, even if he didn't bring me coffee. :)
• In my quest to fit into my wedding dress by August 21st, I have quit eating after 8 pm. I think this is actually helping. At least I feel a bit better in the morning. And being on an exercise schedule forces me to be on a better eating schedule of healthy food- if you don't feed the machine, it won't run for you.
• I watched "Dan in Real Life" this week again. It's one of those movies that gets better the more you watch it. Not that there aren't a few bits of it that I don't fast forward through, but the movie's story is sweet in a sad way and I really like it.
• I have bought a few little things for Nate's birthday, but I couldn't find what I really wanted and am frustrated thinking that he won't even care about what I have gotten. I just feel so disconnected from him right now, it's hard to think of what the best thing for him would be. I have never actually given him a present that he really, truly loved, I don't think. Usually, he's either satisfied with its usefulness or questioning its cost. He is a hard man to buy for. He told me he wants a job listing. And oh, how I wish I could give him that.....
• I need a drink. Of water. Since Nate won't let me have vodka in the house.
• I am getting tired of everyone hinting and saying and maybe thinking and not saying that I need to get on the ball and potty train Claire. And I'm more tired of the fact that that even bothers me. While I seem pretty independant, that doesn't mean I am not internally affected by what I perceive to be others opinions of me and my actions. I can not commit to what it would take to potty train a completely uninterested child at this time. If I had no other children, this would be different. If I did not homeschool, this would be different. If I did not care if it turned into a battle of the wills power struggle, this would be different. If I were not utterly exhausted from being responsible for every thing that goes on in my home because my husband is home about 7 hours out of every 24, this would be different. But, I am where I am right now and it really doesn't bother me that my baby is still in diapers. I think it bothers me more that I know people think ill of me for that- and that is where *I* need to change. I am only accountable to the Lord for the raising of my children. I just wish I could remember that all the time.
• There are days I want to pack us all up and get in the car and just drive away. Many days.
• I am glad I am not pregnant, but these almost labor like cramps are really wearing me down right now.
• I know there are many women out there who would be terribly offended to hear me say I am glad I am not pregnant. I wish them all the babies the Lord wants them to have, and for them to understand that my desire not to have any more is not rooted in disregard or dislike for children, but in great regard and unfathomable love for the ones the Lord has already blessed me with.
• I know I said I would try to keep my feelings out of this, but this is my blog, after all, and I'll cry if I want to....or rather....get a massive headache from trying so hard not to cry.
• I feel unquenchably, unendingly lonely. Not that I crave the presence of other people. I am incredibly blessed to be able to spend my days with four of the best people I have ever known. I am just being made very aware right now of those places in my heart that no one has ever touched and I don't even know how to begin to let anyone into them, or if I want to. Of course, this is in great part due to Nathan's absence, but even in his presence there are so many times when the walls are left up, the invisible defenses impenetrable, and the real me behind the stone, wondering if I will die here.
• I know that sounds terribly bereft, and of course, begs the question "Is not God there with you?" which is what I strive to remind myself of everyday. I know in my head that He is, but knowing that in my heart takes more effort than I am up to some days.
• I will not end with that thought......
• I am going to watch "The Quiet Man" tonight while folding laundry. At least I know John Wayne isn't going to die in that one.
• I told the boys they could stay up "late" tonight if they napped this afternoon. I hear Ian kicking the wall on his bed right now, as I have for the last hour.
• My wonderful father in law has mowed my lawn for me 3 weeks in a row now. They are such a blessing to me. Last Saturday, they even took all the kids for a few hours in the evening so I could get some grocery shopping and housework done. It was SOOO nice to be able to do that.
• I bought lemons to go in my water. I love this.
• Okay, is that enough? I should really go get something productive done...Or maybe eat something, now that I am starting to feel a little funny.

Thursday

I just exercised for the first time in about 2 weeks. The pain in my chest has subsided greatly, for which I am very thankful. I suppose I should chronicle that I was diagnosed with chostocondritis a few weeks ago. I never thought ice on my chest would actually feel good, but it has. And I am happy not to have to do it anymore. It's amazing to me how long it takes for my muscles to become awakened and engaged in everyday motion. Only after weeks of consistent use do I reach this state- which is the beginning of where I would like to be, and yet it takes only days to revert back to feeling um, well, I don't know how to describe it exactly, but just like I normally do if I am not exercising regularly. The awareness of my muscle groups, of how my body bends and flexes and strengthens is not a state I have consistently been in for many years. I can remember it, and I yearn for it to become my norm again, but it sure takes a lot of work to sustain, and only a little slacking off for it to dissipate. Anyway, I am thankful to be able to exercise a bit again today.

I picked up an old paperback for 50 cents at a thrift store. I thought it looked interesting. I was mostly just amused by the words of praise over the title, which read "The most powerful and magical high spiritual adventure since The Teachings of Don Juan." The name of the book is The Tracker by Tom Brown Jr. It's about this man's childhood in the woods of New Jersey, and the education in tracking and nature of him and his best friend Rick by Rick's grandfather, Stalking Wolf. My heart has always been at peace in the woods and I loved reading this book about the intricate patterns of nature and animals and birds and how with patience and dedication, these patterns become observable, and finally prominent to the eye.

I read a wide variety of books, some historical fiction, some ridiculous science fiction, some literary classics, some just what I like to call "Brain Cake". Sometimes I read a book and am just fascinated by the characters, how different they are from me, and how I could never or would never do what they do. But some books resonate with me, and a part of my soul just knows that I could, in another life perhaps, have done and enjoyed the same things that these people have done. This book was like that. Not that I certainly could have attained the level of skill that this man did, but I would have enjoyed the education and the path that he started on. Of course, I have a completely different perspective. Mr. Brown talks abut the "spirit that moves in all things" and "omens" and things like that, and I know that it is God that moves in all things and His hand that guides His creation. Still, I enjoyed the book, and it had several great little nuggets of truth in it. In one chapter, Tom is detailing his and Rick's survival "tests", set up by Stalking Wolf to help them see what they were capable of.

He says "A limitless commitment to learning was less important than knowing the limits we had and what they were. Our training was a matter of defining our limits to ourselves as well as a way of sharpening our skills.....We only learn our limits by testing them. Given adequate water, it takes a month to starve to death in a book, but there are practical limits as well as theoretical ones. There is a point after which hunger either takes up the whole of your mind or becomes insignificant. We fasted until we found that after the second day it gets easier and easier, until you come to a point where you know the only thing that could stop your fast would be the bodily decay that comes with death. We learned two things from our tests, the limits of our power and the limits of our will. One was a measurement of our skill and the other was the measurement of our personality. If we were in the woods and without food, we knew how long that fact would make us uncomfortable and how long before it would affect what we could do. We always knew how long before we would have to think in survival terms and that thinking allowed us to function normally in what would have seemed like life-or-death situations to anyone else. Most people underestimate their abilities because they never had a chance to test their limits."

I so agree with that last statement. Not in terms of survival in the woods, but just in everyday life. I know I, and so many people I know, so often freak out when x, y, or z happens, thinking that we can just never withstand this testing from the Lord. Or we hear of someone going through something and think "I could just never do that." But, I know people who have gone through times in their lives when their first thought waking up every morning was the knowledge that this was probably their last day on earth. And yet, by the grace of God, they still did function, and loved their families, and praised their Father, and got through to the other side. Now, I have never been in any situation like that, thus far. But even the small pressure of the paths the Lord has brought me down, I remember people just rolling their eyes at and saying "I just don't know how you do it, I could just never have been throwing up pregnant and nursing and have had 1, 2, 3 (fill in the blank) toddlers to take care of." Or "I could just never handle having a husband that's gone 80 hours a week" Comments like these always puzzled me. As if I had chosen these as the best possible variations of life, OR as if I could have done anything to change them simply by refusing to accept them as what God had for me. It always seemed so ridiculous to me that numerous people found these circumstances just "unbearable" when they didn't know if God would have it in His plan to give them much more trying circumstances. I know I have found myself thinking these same thoughts, though. A friend's husband was deployed to Iraq two years ago and she was a single mom for a year and a half. Another lady I know loved and loved and loved her unsaved husband, trying to show him the joy in the Lord she had found, and he cheated on her and left her and took her children from her. I found myself saying "I could never have handled that." But, who knows what the Lord has in store for me or for any of us? I don't think it is for us to say what we can or can not handle, but simply to do our best with the path the Lord has us on right now.

Tom Brown went on to say "A lot of people panic in the woods because they think they are facing impossible obstacles. Almost universally, those people who have survived impossible circumstances did not panic and found that they could survive far beyond what they normally thought of as their limits. We knew what our limits were, and we knew that there was probably a reserve behind them that would only come out when the crisis was for real." I think in life, sometimes the Lord tests us, not to just make us feel overwhelmed, but to prepare us for a situation that will require the patience and contentment we will only acquire by going through that test. I remember when I was pregnant with Grace and trying to take care of Ian and George, thinking back to when I only had George, or when I was pregnant with Ian. At those times, I thought things were so hard, and there were days when I cried out to the Lord, saying "I can't handle this." and yet, with His help, I did. It made things seem not so hard as some people seemed to believe they were. And there have been many, many days since then that have been exponentially harder. I remember the first time I went shopping with all four kids. It was a disaster. I thought it would never be any better and that we would all just starve to death, because I couldn't physically make it through a grocery shopping trip with my children. And now, while it's certainly not easy, and I don't enjoy it (by a long shot), we do it all the time. And we haven't starved yet. I had a friend comment to me a while ago, after calling and me saying that I was just laying down on the couch while the kids did puzzles on the floor, that she never would have given herself permission to lay down while her kids were awake. For me, though, after being throwing up pregnant and physically unable to keep my eyes open while taking care of my kids more times than I'd like to recall, I learned that it is possible to lay down and still have your children survive. When you have no other choice in something, it forces you to realize that "acceptable conditions" has a much wider range than you previously thought. I remember thinking it was just "unacceptable" when my husband was gone 60 hours a week. I remember just feeling so sorry for myself and thinking how unfair it all was to me. Right. And now I know it is a ministry to my husband to love and support him no matter how much he has to work. I have learned that I can survive and thrive and be a blessing in conditions much "worse" than I previously thought to be the limit of my small ability to handle. And maybe that was the limit, I have just learned (am continuing to daily learn) that there are many things that can only be handled with the Lord's help and strength. I am reminded of one of my favorite verses "His strength is made perfect in weakness." I should be thankful that the Lord has given me such amazing weakness so that His strength has so much chance to be perfected in my life.

So anyway, to complete my thoughts on the book, I found it satisfying on many levels- it delved into some of the mysteries of nature, which I loved, and it reminded me of things the Lord has been teaching me lately. I am thankful the Lord remembers my short attention span, He is so good to continually remind me of things He is teaching me.

And now for some gems from Ian:

"Wow, Heaven sounds better than a small Chinese restaurant!!" I just wish I could see what exactly this means in his mind.

Holding a lego contraption with a gun at one end "Braver, Faster....Shootier!!"

Holding a package of Swedish fish "Do the people who made this just love to lie and be naughty and don't know God?" "Uhhh," I answered, "I don't know, Ian, why would you think they love to lie?" "Well, you know, they try to make you think that this is a fruit snack and is healthy, but really it's made of sugar and it's not fruitful or healthful!"

Putting on pajamas with no characters on them, just a plain shirt and shorts "Hey, everybody, look at me, I'm a MAN!! I have on MAN pajamas!"

With a Star Wars shirt and (unmatching) Star Wars pajama pants on "Hey Mama, I'm Star Wars flage!" "Uhhh," I answered, "What?!?" "You know, when I have on my camo shirt and pants, I'm camo flage, (two words) so now I'm Star Wars flage!"

Looking at greeting cards at Target today, he unfortunately saw a card with a "Caution" sign on the front with a crude stick drawing and the words "dangerous gas" on it, which of course, George read very loudly. Ian went on to (loudly, of course) say "Dangerous gas!! I bet Daddy's going to get that at his work, and Grandpa gets dangerous gas all the time, because he fixes cars and George, do you think we'll ever have dangerous gas???"

And with that lovely thought, I will close this long overdue blog post. :)

Ian

Maybe my children watch too much Veggie Tales. Tonight, Ian was getting frustrated with himelf because he wasn't able to fit a puzzle together as well as he wanted to, or as fast as Grace, whom the puzzle was facing. He said "I'm not good at puzzles anymore, I'm just not good." So, I tried to encourage him by saying "Ian, that's not true, God made you special.." To which he interrupted "..and He loves you VERY much...Goodbye!" Which, of course, is what Bob and Larry say at the end of every Veggie Tales episode. Ian and I both laughed, and I reminded him that he was very good at puzzles and that God DID make him special and God doesn't make anything bad. He made Ian just the way He wanted Him to be. There are days when it is hard for me to remember this, when I am tired of reminding him for the seventh time in 10 minutes what he is supposed to be doing, when we start his reading lesson for the day and he has no memory of what he was rattling off with ease the day (or the hour) before. Or when he gets frustrated with himself for not being able to do something he usually can (like the puzzles) and just bursts into tears. Times when we are in the middle of Wal-mart and he has tried to slowly explain what he's trying to get across to his squabbling siblings 3 times and finally just starts hitting his head in emotional distress because he doesn't know what to do to be heard.

Sometimes I will be going over something with him that I have explained a hundred (it feels like) times and in the middle of it, he raises one finger and with a look of genuine perplexity says "Excuse me, but what does 'obey' mean?" There are times when I am afraid I have held him accountable to more than he is capable of, and look back in tears to those times when we punished him over and over and over for things that we thought surely he was doing intentionally, but now I wonder, did he really just have no memory of the 3 minutes prior when I told him to stop whatever it was he started doing again? I don't know. Some days I do hold him less accountable, only to see the next day that he is taking advantage of the fact that he isn't required to do what his younger sister is. And some days, I know, he isn't capable of doing what his younger sister is accountable to do every day. But, some days, he is capable of so much more.

I don't know what to expect from him. I don't know when he wakes up in the morning whether he has any memory of the things we did or said the day before, and yet, when asked to describe the first thing he remembers, he says in a calm voice "Well, it was when I was in your belly, and my head...um, (here he pushes his hands down on the top of his head) I was trying to get out, and there was something sticking to my belly button." The other night I was talking about something that happened when George was a baby and Ian said "Where was I?" "You weren't born yet." George said. Then Ian got a thoughtful look on his face and said "Oh, yeah, that was when I was still in Heaven." "What did you do in Heaven?" I asked. "Well, I was just talking to God and eating fruit and stuff." Ian answered. "What did the fruit taste like?" I asked, trying not to smile, "You know, apples and pears and things like that." "And what did you talk about with God?" "Mama, it was a really long time ago, I don't really remember." Of course.

You might think that he is just a silly and imaginative child who likes to make things up, but if you knew Ian, you would know that he would probably fall under the category of "not clever enough to be deceitful." It wouldn't occur to him to make up anything that he would try to pass off as truth. I'm inclined to believe he does remember being born, and also inclined to believe that he doesn't really remember where he put the book he had in his hand five minutes previous. Of course, there are benefits to his short memory, including overwhelming gratefulness. A few weeks ago, he got dressed, came out in a shirt he had worn dozens of times and said "Wow, Mama, thanks for the new shirt!!" Everyday is a new experience of wonder and fun for him, glimmers of things he has done dancing only in the periphery of his consciousness, while his brother and sister are on the edge of boredom from the same activity repeated over and over. Although he might sometimes be the first to get his feelings hurt, he is always the first to forgive, and never holds a grudge, picking up the hurtful offender in a bear hug and saying "It's okay, I forgive you!" Sometimes his exuberant affection for everyone does get him in trouble, since he forgets that Claire is no longer a baby he can pick up and cuddle, or stroke her cheek without her trying to swat him away. The cat has become very tolerant of too tight hugs and being craded like a baby in the blue blanket Ian is hardly ever without.

He is forgiving, and he is giving. Last week, he told me he had a big secret he had to whisper in my ear, and told me in hushed tones with wide eyes that when he goes to Toys R' Us with his birthday money, he's going to buy George the Anakin Star Fighter Lego set that George almost bought on his birthday, but decided on another set instead. And seriously, he will get just as much joy out of this as if he were to buy it for himself. Not that some days he wants to share his favorite stick with his sister or let George have the coolest Lego guns, but he is usually the first one to think of giving something to someone, and then he can hardly contain his excitement to do it. Last year for Nate's birthday I went shopping here, there, and everywhere to find the man a bike I could afford. We finally found one, then were in Wal-Mart a few days later and found an amazing deal on a tent, too. The kids were repeatedly reminded not to tell Daddy about his presents, an injunction that George sees as a life and death situation and Grace could care less, but Ian, I think, tries so hard to remember what it is he's not supposed to tell that sometimes he forgets that he's NOT supposed to tell. For some reason, a few days before Nate's birthday and a few days after we had bought the tent we all were at Wal-Mart together. We all go shopping together probably 3 times a year, so this was unusual. Of course, Nate wanted to look at the camping stuff, and I knew when we went over there that one of the kids was probably going to point out to Nathan that we were just here and what we got for him. I could see George making frantic (indecipherable) shushing motions to his siblings as we rolled the cart into the aisle. Ian just kept the biggest grin on his face and didn't say anything at first. I was beginning to think we'd glide out of there with the surprise still intact, until all of a sudden Ian pipes up with "Daddy, we got THAT tent....and a BIKE...for SOMEONE ELSE'S Birthday!" With this, he looks at me and says in a whisper loud enough for the whole department to hear "Mama, didn't I do a good job not telling Daddy?!?!?" George smacked his hand over his eyes and hung his head in despair. Nate and I just grinned at each other as I said "Yes, Ian, you did a really good job." We were at Goodwill when my mom was visiting and George saw a My Little Pony movie that Grace would like so we picked it up for her while she and Ian were near Grammy's cart. When Ian came over to us a few minutes later, George whispered what we had gotten. Ian got all excited and tried to hide the video further, then as soon as we got close to my mom and Grace he said "Grace, don't look...right here!" And pointed to where he had hidden the movie. Again, George smacked his hand to his eyes and hung his head in despair. :P Ian is just so excited for anyone to experience joy and wants to be a part of it, too.

There are days when I wish he were like a normal child, that I could know how his mind would work when we got up in the morning, that I would know what to expect and could plan on a normal progression of learning and memory. It would have been nice not to have had to duct tape his pajamas on for a year, or to have had him potty trained before his little sister. It would have been a lot easier if I didn't have to put him back into bed 20 and 30 times a night when he was two years old. It would be nice if I didn't have to fear him going into a meltdown of frustration and emotional turmoil everytime I leave my house, it would be nice if I could get through to him when his eyes are glassed over and he just screams and screams and screams. But, then maybe I wouldn't have the same loving, caring boy, who can't wait to spend his birthday money on his big brother. Maybe I wouldn't have the same boy who would gladly spend an hour playing with blocks and singing to his baby sister, who tells Grace he loves her 10 minutes after she has taken his toys away and pushed him over. Maybe he wouldn't draw pictures of God telling Jesus what a good job he had done "reaching down to earth to make men and women and babies and children in ladies bellies and sea creatures and stuff." or pictures of him hugging everyone and writing "I *heart* U....Ian" I think God did make him special, and that God loves me very much to give me such a special boy to love. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Sad....but joyful

One of the saddest trips you can make is coming back from the airport alone after spending a week with someone who helped formed your heart and continues to be one of the chief encouragers of it. I drove my mom there this morning, and didn't even realize how much she had filled my soul with joy and help until I drove away and just felt bereft. It was such an incredible gift, her week here with us, but of course, it went all too fast. The kids had so much fun with their Grammy, and again my mothers example of truly loving and caring for people was such an inspiration to me. She has a gift for meeting people where they're at, whatever their ages or stages and finding what would bless and help them most. She made crossword puzzles for the kids, complicated ones for George and simpler ones with letters Ian knew for him to fill in. Ian was so proud of himself for doing it. The one for Grace was just suited to her little girly, frilly, tough and silly personality. Then she made a big one for the kids and I to fill out together all about our day together at Callaway Gardens on Wednesday. She pretended to be surprised at the decorations and birthday cake the kids helped me with on Tuesday and acted as if she were being given the moon over the little presents the kids got her and wrapped themselves. She danced to "the Clara music" (Nutcracker) with Grace, wanted to hear all about the boys Lego creations, played in the sandbox with Claire, read story after story, and even wrote a special story for "Princess Grace" about her royal family who lived in the land of Newnan and the Great King of all Who watched over them. She brought books and taught the kids how to draw pictures and made things with them, including collars for the little puppy toys they got from a meal she treated us out to. She bought them special books and toys and treats. She washed and folded and swept and cooked and fixed and helped me, despite my insisting she was on vacation and should be putting her feet up. We played Speed Scrabble and watched movies and exercised together and talked and soaked in the hot tub and drank coffee and looked at pictures and planned for the future. She listened and encouraged and gave me ideas and prayed and helped and just made me feel like a useful, valuable person. Of course she has known me all my life, and anything worthwhile in me is because of her example and instruction and help and continual encouragement to look to the Lord to make all things right. Having lived it herself in much harder circumstances, she was such an encouragement to Nate and I about waiting on the Lord for the job He has for Nathan. "It will come at just the right time, and you'll be ready for it when it does" she said. His (and to a lesser degree, my) stress and discouragement over his job, along with a certain amount of trepidation about the future just seem less insurmountable in the face of joyful hope in the Lord's provision for us. I know my father can hardly do without his dear wife, and after being with her for the week, I miss her so much more now than I did before she came. I can see why he sounded like Eeyore every time she talked to him on the phone. In a purely self centered sense, it was such complete balm to my soul to have her here, with me every minute, completely involved in and validating all the "inconsequential" little patterns and routines that make up my days of childcare and home making and trying to live healthfully. I felt like what I was doing was important and interesting and that I was doing a decent job of it because she was here doing it with me. And now my heart is breaking because she is gone. We are hoping to go up North in the fall, so Lord willing we will see her again in October. Her flight was very early this morning, so she said Goodbye to the kids last night before bed. I fear George was the only one who understood, though, that she wasn't going to be here when they woke up in the morning and I will be joined in my tears of missing her today. She said Goodbye to Nathan last night, and cried some tears of her own, encouraging him to keep his faith in the Lord and His will and path, and that it will be revealed soon. She has a full day of travel ahead of her, with a four hour layover in Philadelphia, then on to Boston where she will take the bus to New Hampshire, where my dad will pick her up, then an hour drive home where she will be greeted by dirty dishes and a full hamper and a cat the size of a compact car who will be put out that she hasn't been picking up his hairballs all week. Then she'll have three church services tomorrow and back to work Monday, where she teaches disabled special education high school students. I can't help but daydream about how wonderful it would be if we could live closer together. My father seems to be brewing again on his "secret invention" (his attitude is "If I told you, I'd have to kill you") and wanting to get that off the ground. Who knows, maybe Nathan getting done with his job would coincide somehow with my dad needing his help for the start of his business. In a perfect world, that would all work out beautifully. Of course, in a perfect world, everyone that I loved I would actually be able to hug every day, and would never have to feel the wrenching in my heart that I do now. It just makes me long for Heaven all that much more after my mother has given me a taste of it for a week.

Tuesday

I just updated my health blog and thought I should actually write some words here as well. My neck and shoulder are killing me, I *really* need to get to the chiropractor soon. I am considering just hauling all the kiddos with me and trying to corral them there. Everyone is feeling alright here, besides a few allergic sniffles among the munchkin set. Nate is caffeine free and trying to eat healthy since his heart scare last week. I am just thankful it wasn't anything more serious, and praying even more fervently now for the Lord to bring a low stress job for Nathan, as this PVC (premature ventricular contraction) is aggravated by stress, among other things, which Nate is inundated with every single day at his job. I'm trying to keep things low stress for him as much as I can at home, and I am thankful for any little thing I can do to make his life easier, but at the same time, it does in a way make me feel more alone than just his being physically gone so much right now does. I know the Lord can and will meet all my needs, though, and I need to remember to look to Him first, instead of waiting til I am at the end of my rope. I am still having some chest pain but I think now it must be my left lung, since my heart is technically fine, according to the stress ekg and echo I had done. I still would like to look into the pectus surgery.

I have switched from apple cider vinegar liquid to tablets, thanks to my MIL, who just had some on hand. It has helped get the acidy burn out of my throat, but I don't think it works as well on my asthma. I am still off the Advair. I did totally screw up the other day and waited way too long to eat then was so hungry I just polished off about a cup and a half of mac and cheese. The next day I felt wheezy and chest sore and yuck. As if I needed any further confirmation that dairy and I should no longer be seeing each other. "It's not you, milk, it's me" :)

I have really been convicted lately about my dropping the ball and getting out of the habit of getting up right away in the morning. We have gotten so out of the groove homeschooling since the beginning of the year with trying to potty train Claire, having sick kids, health issues with myself and trying to keep up with exercising and all. Anyway, the bottom line is that while I could go on and on justifying and excusing my night owl tendancies and early morning aversions, the fact is that I need to get up. It doesn't matter what I feel like or how late I laid awake the night before, it is my job to take care of my kids, their education, their environment and their home, and I can't do that as well if I am wasting the time in the morning laying about in bed. There is nothing in my physical body or even my emotions that desires the establishment of this good habit, but how often do my flesh and my emotions actually steer me right?? Yeah, not often. This is just a matter of will and doing what I know to be right, regardless of how I feel. As a very wise woman was reminding me yesterday, establishing good habits is critical to success in homeschooling and life. If you remember to pray for lazy me in this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Speaking of homeschooling, it looks as if I might actually be able to attend the homeschool conference this year. I so wanted to last year and it just didn't work out, so this year I asked 6 months in advance about childcare on the two days of it, then 3 months, then a month or more ago. And at first it didn't seem as if it would work out, but now things may come together. I'm really excited. I feel more lost and floundering and like I don't know what I'm doing than I ever have. In short, I need all the help I can get. And I am hoping to get quite a few books there.

I am so excited that my mom is coming to visit for a week this Saturday!! I can't wait to see her and I am just so excited for my kids to have one on one time with their Grammy. Almost any time we are up there, other cousins are around, which is great, but they get to see Grammy all the time. My kids are lucky to see her once or twice a year. It will be wonderful to have her here for the whole week. I think we will go down to Callaway Gardens one day. I'm sure we'll take the kids to Barnes and Noble and browse Ashley Park and go to the playground. I want it to be restful for her, but for her to have fun as well. I wish my dad could come, but he can't get any more time off work. Man, I have a lot to do before Saturday!!! :P